Vlogbrothers
by gladosportal
Summary: John Green is on his way to the library to secretly sign some of his books, when he runs into someone from his past. Why did she leave? Why did she come back?
1. Chapter 1

_I am the nerdfighter that went there, I wrote a vlogbrothers fanfic. It's the first fanfic I ever wrote, it was inspired by a lovely dream I had, and I hope you'll enjoy it._  
_If John or Hank Green ever get to read this, and I sincerely hope they won't, I meant no disrespect. I love what you do, and this is just my way of enjoying my fangirlcrush._

_For the sake of clarity; when someone's name is at the top, they're doing the talking. The story also alternates between past and present. It starts in the present; John is sitting at his desk._

John

He held a picture in his hand. He hadn't looked at it for many years, had maybe even forgotten he ever had it. He shook his head. Forget about it? About her? How could he?  
But he had wished for that very thing, he had begged for it, directing his prayer to a god that didn't care to respond or didn't hear him. Make her go away, he had plead. The pain is too much.  
And she did go away, in a way. He put her in the smallest corner of his mind and never thought about her again.  
Until he saw her again, today, earlier today. She had been sitting on a bench. At first he hadn't recognized her, because she had her face in her hands, bright red hair sprawled over her shoulders. Normally, he would just have walked on. I mean, he couldn't fix the whole world, right? He had seen her, thought something along the lines of 'I hope that lady is okay' but wasn't planning on actually checking on her. He had things to do, books to sign secretly.  
As he came closer, he could see her shoulders contracting. So she was crying. He didn't want to intrude, so he started to turn away. And just then, she looked up.  
She didn't look at him. He could only be thankful, if she had glanced at him, he probably would've gone through his knees right there and then. But she didn't see anything. Her brown eyes were empty.  
The shock of seeing her face again made him sit down next to her. He didn't know what to feel first. Anger, regret, fear. Fear was the biggest one. What is she got up right now? And walked away? He should make her see him! But it was like he had lost the power to move a limb, or even his mouth. So they sat there, together. For the first time in many years.

Katherine

"Mom, you're scaring me!"  
I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I hated myself for crying, I hated that I wasn't one of those people that just started smashing things when they got angry. Instead, an overwhelming feeling of sorrow swept over me, and no matter how hard I fought it, the tears would always come.  
"Stop crying, you little cunt! Did you think I would fall for that? Did you think it would bring you sympathy? I can see right through you, you liar. Liar! Clean this up. You're good for nothing, you will amount to nothing, I'm ashamed having you in my house. You're worthless," she finally hissed.  
Every word stabbed me. I had heard them countless times, always the same message in a slightly altered sequence, but they didn't cease to hurt.  
"I'll do it, just please stop yelling at me," I blubbered. Oh, why did I have to sound so pleading? She's right, I am disgusting.  
She smiled, the ugliest smile she had. It looked more like what you'd expect from a wolf. Her lips would fall back over her teeth, all the way up her gums. And she squinted her eyes. It made me feel like she wanted to lunge for my throat. I turned away to get the mop.  
"Don't turn away from me, you little cunt!" Fatal mistake. I ignored the instinct to cringe, it took everything I had. It would just make this last longer. If she could get one good swing at me, she might stop after one.  
But blackness is all that came.


	2. Chapter 2

John

He opened his mouth, but nothing came. Suddenly he realized he was crying. The thought of two grown people sitting on a bench next to each other, crying for no apparent reason, struck him as so odd that he let out a laugh. This seemed to break the tension in his body, and he folded back onto himself like a book. He almost melted off the bench. He couldn't stop laughing. More so, he was starting to sound a bit insane.  
He didn't stop until a warm hand touched his face. Her hands were never cold.  
"John," she croaked, the disbelief in her eyes plain to see. She kept looking at every part of his face, as if to check if it was really him. Then she got up, shaking her head.  
"I-I'm so sorry. I'm just very confused today, and –"  
"Don't go, Katherine," he said, grabbing her hand.  
She sucked in her breath sharply, and said: "I'd forgotten the sound of your voice."  
He smiled at her. She flushed red, and went pale immediately after. Then her eyes rolled back, and her hand slipped out of his. Like an idiot, he watched her fall to the ground.  
"Oh," was all he could manage.

Katherine

I woke up in a hospital. The sight of the completely new environment startled me so, that I shot up involuntarily. Pain roared through me like a flame, and it burned my left side. I stifled a scream.  
"Are you awake, little lady?" a gentle voice came. I looked up.  
"William," was all I managed before I burst out in tears.  
He patted my head. That was William's response to pretty much everything. He said: "You know, you're the only one that calls me that." I did know, and I could really use a hug. When I tried lifting my arms, a real scream came.  
"Shh, shh," William hushed me, "don't try to move just yet. They didn't want to give you pain drugs, because they needed to know what bits of you are hurting." He frowned at this.  
"Oh," I said.  
"Why are my bits hurting?" I added.  
"We don't know yet," he sighed.  
The way he said it told me everything I needed to know. She did it. And she did it so thoroughly that I had lost conscience. Or did I lose conscience first? I couldn't quite remember.  
"I'll go get the doctor," William added.  
Like any good doctor, it took her well over an hour to come and see me. During that time, I prodded and poked at William until he told me everything. He'd found me in the kitchen, surrounded by what looked like broken shards of a glass pitcher. I had been stone cold.  
"That pitcher was my fault," I said bitterly.  
"Shush, nothing about this is your fault," William spoke sternly.  
I'd been bleeding from my head. When he said this, I carefully lifted my right hand to feel it. It was bandaged.  
He had ran back to his house next door to ring an ambulance, since we didn't have a landline anymore. When the ambulance had finally come – "It really felt like forever." – the crew wouldn't let him on at first. But he had said he'd rather fight them than let them drive off without him, so in the end they'd just shrugged and let him hold her hand on the way to the hospital. Only to dump him in the waiting room as soon as they'd arrived.  
Where he had been for a full five minutes until he charmed his way into my room. This made me smile. But then I frowned, thinking of something unpleasant.  
"What did my mom say?" I didn't want to ask this question, I didn't want to care, but I wasn't fooling anyone on this point so I might as well ask.  
William shrugged, saying: "I didn't see her. Admittedly, I didn't go looking for her either, so maybe she was just passed out upstairs."  
This hurt me more than I would admit out loud. If I had been stone cold, like William said, I must have been lying there for hours. Hours in which my mom did nothing to help me, possibly even hurt me further.  
"Don't be such a softie, she left you there to die," a voice said. I didn't like this voice, it said many unpleasant things. Like: "If you'd just leave this house, I might feel sorry for you. But you're still here, aren't you? You're so weak."  
Because a real voice telling me about my faults wasn't enough. I had to torture myself some more. "Because you like torture. If you could, you'd take a bath in it," the voice said, smirking.  
"What are you thinking about, silly girl? Don't you worry. Everything will be alright," William smiled. He took my hand.


	3. Chapter 3

John

Once he'd overcome the shock, he got up and felt her head. No blood, that was good. She'd looked like she'd fall on her elbow and hip first, but then twisted mid-air and hit her head with a nauseating thud.  
"Stupid, stupid!" he muttered to himself. Holding her hand, he got out his cell phone to dial an ambulance, when he felt her grip tighten  
"Please John, put that away. I don't have insurance."  
"What are you talking about? What if you're hurt?"  
"I'm serious, John. I can't afford it, I can't afford this to happen."  
Of course, all this invoked in him was the incredible desire she'd say his name again. Because he was a special kind of moron.  
"As you wish."  
This made her smile. No, not smile, she grinned.  
"Best wishes," she said.  
And now he was sitting at his desk, holding the picture he'd just retrieved from the attic. It had him and Hank on it, sitting on a pool chair. Katherine was nudged in between, ruffling up their hair and making a crazy face. The dogs, Maggie and Red, were giving each other the eye. The one that said: "I think I might want to play, but I'll bite you if you taunt me," using a lot of white.  
He smelled her before she walked in. She'd just taken a shower, and was wearing all her clothes again.  
"You didn't have to put those back on. They're dirty."  
She shrugged, saying: "I didn't have anything else. I think I'll best be on my way."  
Something had changed, he could sense it.  
"What's the rush, Katherine? Come here, look at this picture."  
She hesitated by the door. He could almost hear the gears in her head grinding. Then she sighed, and came to sit next to him, balancing on the armrest of the chair.  
"I'd forgotten about that day. I seem to have forgotten many things."  
"I bet you didn't forget Red."  
She laughed, "Oh, how I loved that little bastard."  
"And he loved you." And so had John.  
She sprang up, looking frazzled. He looked for something in her eyes, and when he found it, he looked back at the picture, at her crazy face. He couldn't bear to look at her anymore. It was too much. There was too much of her, too much of her smell, of her wet hair dripping on the floor, of her freckles that didn't seem to know boundaries.  
She turned around and walked out of the room. She came back. She stopped outside of the door, started walking away again. Then a sliding sound, and silence.  
When he finally gathered the guts to walk into the hallway, he found her about a foot away, sitting on the floor, stroking a picture.  
"Your yeti," she said. Then she pointed at the baby. "Baby yeti," she whispered.  
"Yes."  
She handed the frame to him, and started bawling. Almost like a baby, without shame, without concern for who might hear and judge. Every breath sounded sharp and painful. He patted her red hairs, feeling how they made his fingers moist. This only made it worse.  
"J-John, hold me, this is your fault, t-this your all your fault, hold me and make it better."  
He'd already been holding her after she's said it once, the words came out slow and fragmented, in between her attempts to pull in enough air.  
"If you keep this up, you'll start hyperventilating."  
"T-too late," she answered, her eyes wide.  
"I'll get a paper bag."  
He left her there, lying across his hallway, gasping.  
"It's like I was made to cry," he could hear her whisper.


	4. Chapter 4

Katherine

It was a long time before I saw my mom again after that. At first, they couldn't find her. Then, when they finally did, boozing away in some dingy bar, they locked her up.  
I was allowed to visit, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I could already feel her blaming stare. I could already hear what she'd say, "You did this to me, you little cunt. Is this the thanks I get? You –"  
My thoughts were interrupted by William walking in. He gave me a cup of hot coco.  
"Thanks."  
He smiled and sat down next to me on my bed, holding his own mug. We sat in silence, enjoying the taste and each other's company.  
"I could've done with some marshmallows."  
"Oh, I've spoiled you rotten," he smiled, "if you want them so bad, go get them yourself."  
"No use for that now, all done!" I giggled, holding my mug upside down.  
"Hank!" a voice came from downstairs.  
"Finish mine as well, John isn't the patient kind."  
I sighed. It was true, and just one of the things that annoyed me about John. You'd think an older brother would act like an older brother. Instead, he'd often say things that would embarrass William, or me. But he wasn't a bad guy. Just odd, I guess. Like me.  
I walked down the stairs right after William, who'd already disappeared out of sight, so I could get some marshmallows for my donated coco. Good thing William was a slow drinker, otherwise –  
"Oh hi Katherine."  
I looked up, only to be stared right in the eyes by John.  
"Um.. hi?" I said, edging a bit further away. Why didn't he respect people's personal space? Odd boy, my mind answered. If I didn't know it to be true, I would never have said he was going to be eighteen in just a month.  
"Ready to go," William smiled, barging into the narrow hallway.  
I couldn't help but giggle at the sight of him. He had on one of those ridiculous fishing hats, with little plastic fish attached to it. Red came in right behind him, obviously very interested in the shiny plastic stuff attached to William's head.  
"C'mere Red, I'll give you a marshmallow instead. I'm sure you'll enjoy that more than plastic."  
Red wagged his tail and followed me happily into the kitchen.  
"Bye guys," I said over my shoulder, "say hi to the fish for me."

John

"I wish we could go back to that moment," she said.  
He wished it too. It was a perfect time. Katherine and Hank were obviously falling in love, Katherine obviously didn't like him, there was no ambiguity. Everything was as it was supposed to be.  
"Maybe I don't wish it. No, it was a stupid thing to say."  
His heart soared. She didn't wish history away. Their history.  
"What happened, John? I feel like I've just woken up, only to find nothing is the same. Just like when my mom broke my ribs. Where did we lose each other, John? Where did we lose us?"  
He can't say it. There are three kinds of secrets in a man, the kind you never want uttered, the kind you want others to utter for you and the kind you cannot utter, even if you tried. This one falls in the two last categories. Let her say it, he thought. She had more right to these memories than him.

Hank

"I hereby declare Mr. and Mrs. Green the legal guardians of Katherine Holly. Court dismissed," the judge said, getting up immediately so she could finally go pee. She felt good about herself, this had gone very well. A job well done.  
Katherine had laughed out of relief, and was now hugging the Greens. Everyone cried tears of joy. He wiped Kathy's eyes dry. She took his wrists, and smiled.  
"These are good tears, William. In fact, these are the best tears I've cried in all my life."  
"It's like you were made to cry," Hank joked. His heart sank at the sight of her frown. She whispered inaudible words, but he recognized them on her lips, having just said them.  
"Hush, Kathy, I was making a joke," he said, holding her tightly. She didn't say anything.  
"This isn't over, Katherine!" He could feel Kathy go rigid in his arms.  
"And you, _the Greens_," Kathy's mom spat, "so high and mighty, so ready to judge everyone who doesn't meet your precious little standards. You don't know anything about me! You don't know anything about her either, that conniving little bitch. But you'll find out soon enough! And then we'll see who's laughing." At this, she smiled. He shuddered involuntarily. The smile didn't reach her eyes, it was actually nothing like a smile. She turned around and walked away.  
John said: "It feels so wrong that she can just walk away. I still don't understand how she did it. I mean, Katherine was covered in bruises when we found her, some already fading. She had two broken ribs! How did that evil woman pin all of that on fainting? It's ridiculous."  
Every one of John's words made Kathy a little smaller in Hank's arms. He shot his brother a look, mouthing 'shut up' and rolling his eyes.  
John blushed.


	5. Chapter 5

Katherine

"I don't understand!" I shouted. I did understand. I understood perfectly well. But what else could I say? William was leaving me, he was leaving me!  
"This is important to me, Kathy."  
"I should be more important!"  
He cringed at this. I immediately felt sorry I'd said it. It felt like I'd stomped on the frail thing between us, whatever that thing was.  
"You're still my Kathy," he pleaded.  
"How can you say that?" I screamed, "How dare you! I'm not your Katherine, I'm just a Katherine. I want to be the Katherine. I will never be the Katherine, will I? Not to you."  
William looked away. For once, I'd made him cry. But when he looked at me, his eyes were dry. Foolish me, thinking he cared enough to cry. When I repeated this sentence in my head and heard how dramatic I sounded, I left out a yelp of frustration.  
"I'm done with you, Hank! You can fuck off to fucking Russia for all I care. Why do you need to go on this studying-a-year-abroad thing now? Nobody does this in high school, why can't you just wait until college like a sane person?"  
"You never call me Hank, Kathy."  
"And don't call me Kathy! No more of this special names nonsense. Pet names are for lovers, which we are not, and will never be."  
"You're right," he sighed.  
At that point, I hated him. I hated him for agreeing so easily. I felt like screaming; I thought you loved me, you jackass! An overwhelming urge to hit him welled up in me. I think I might've done it, had John not walked into the room just then.  
"Please stop, Katherine. You're making our parents worry."  
He made me feel ashamed. When I realized what I was about to do, I wanted to die right there. I had vowed to never hurt anyone, to never turn into my mother.  
"It's like you were made to hurt," a little voice inside me sighed.  
We watched Hank get on the bus. A year abroad, studying, learning a new language. Good for his development as a person, good for his resume, good all around.  
Good things shouldn't cause anyone this much pain.

John

"Katherine, may I come in?"  
"Sure," she called.  
She was lying on her queen bed, reading something. This was one thing they all had in common, their love for reading. Her red hair caught the sun, making it shine so bright it almost hurt his eyes. He looked around the room. Ever since she'd moved in a year ago, the guest room had slowly undergone a make-over. At first it was just the books piling up. She'd had so many books, she even surpassed his collection. So they got her a book case, a large white one that took up all of a wall.  
But it didn't stop there, of course. She'd hung up framed pictures and a cork board, on which she'd stuck little lists and things she liked. The picture of a My Little Pony made him realize how young she really was. It was one of those things you'd forget around her. On the other hand, wasn't fourteen too old to still like toys? Especially considering she'd turn fifteen in just a few days.  
"You're right, you know."  
He snapped out of his musings, startled. He looked at her, and saw she was looking at the picture of the My Little Pony too.  
"I think I just decided I would never be too old for a My Little Pony. Because who even said you could be? They're fun and dainty, and they make me smile. And I won't say no to a free smile. Plus it reminds me of old times, when I didn't know dads could leave and moms could turn into abusive drunkards." Her smile faded a little. She shot him a glance.  
"Wanna join me? More than enough room, and I've got a new pile on the bedside. Maybe something'll interesting you," she said, already looking at her book again.  
He wasn't sure what to do. Then she looked back up at him, quizzically.  
"Wait, did you want to ask me something?"  
For a moment he could only stare at her, but then laughed, remembering: "What kind of cake do you want for your birthday party?"  
"Oh!" she yelled, "I didn't think.. oh!"  
She sprang up, and ran downstairs. He could hear her squealing in the kitchen, saying 'thank you thank you thank you!', which made him grin. He walked over to the guest bed, no, her bed, to look at what she'd been reading. The cover said _'Der Kuss meiner Schwester'_. Kiss from my sister? Or did it mean sibling in German? He couldn't remember just now.  
He was trying to decipher the description on the back of the book, when she walked in again. He was about to ask what it was about, when she grabbed it from him, her face almost as red as her hair.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snoop."  
"No, I'm sorry," she stammered, "that was rude of me. I'm just – oh John, please leave me alone for a bit."


	6. Chapter 6

Katherine

Oh god, oh god, oh god. What must he think of me now? Of course Katherine, of course you had to let that lie around in clear sight, a book about kissing your brother. Oh, I could just kick myself. This is so humiliating. This must be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. What am I thinking, this is not the worst thing that has happened to me, moron, get a grip. But right now it totally feels like the worst thing, so does that mean it is? Oh god.  
That night was one of the most uncomfortable meals I'd shared with the Greens thus far. Mrs. Green kept asking me about what kind of decorations I'd like, who I wanted to invite. Part of me was thankful, part of me wanted her to be quiet for a moment to see if John wanted to say something. Why was I so obsessed over John all of the sudden? Jeez, I'd just gotten over Hank and what, now I was completely falling for his brother? Typical teenage girl, my inside voice said.  
I shut it up and said I'd like green fondant. This made Mrs. Green laugh, she said: "Oh Katherine, we're such a green family already, what with you being a Holly. Are you sure you don't want something else?"  
"Is purple too difficult to make? I like purple too."  
"No problem at all, child. Now eat your corndog, they're no good cold."

John

He wondered about the change in her. It's like she didn't just turn fifteen, it's like part of her was replaced by a whole new girl. Whenever she used to call Hank over in France, he'd see waves of pain shooting across her face. He cursed his brother, his sensitive, funny brother, for not being sensitive about this, about her. She'd hang up the phone, reluctantly, and see him standing there, looking at her. At first he'd look away, but she kept catching him looking at her, and it felt even worse when he acted caught. So he ended up smiling at her. And she smiled back. He remembered those smiles. They were polite, forced even.  
That's not how she smiled at him yesterday. They had been driving to the party store, and she had been chatting about what kind of strings she should get, and what kind of blowers. She'd turned her window all the way down, and the wind caught her hair and blew it in her face. She kept talking, stroking back her hair every few minutes.  
When she blew out her candles, and got a piece of cake, she brought it over to him. He had been sitting in his favorite armchair, watching her talk and laugh and hug her friends. Who were swooning over him quite visibly, which he tried to ignore, which proved very hard considering several of them had tried to start a conversation. He just smiled at them, and looked back at Katherine.  
Now she stood in front of him, a piece of cake shoved under his nose.  
"The first piece is for you!" she yelled.  
"No, the first piece if for the birthday girl, you fool," he retorted, smiling.  
"We'll share!" she said happily, squeezing herself next to him.  
"You only brought one fork."  
"Yes, I will now infect you with my nasty germs. You have discovered my evil plot," she said in a heavy voice with a German accent.  
He loved her for being so silly. No, he loved her for being her.  
No, he was _in love_ with her. Now that he'd finally admitted this to himself, he felt better. Then he felt much, much worse. He should be responsible, should act like an older brother, should be the adult that he'd just become. Adult, psh. He'd expected more from turning eighteen. But instead of making him wiser, it just seemed to make him more of a moron. It was her voice, her eyes, her hair… her smell. She smelled perfect. Not of anything stupid like lilacs, but of her, of hair and sweat and skin.  
He looked at Katherine, who was happily stuffing her face.  
"Oh Katherine," he whispered.  
Her fork froze mid-air, not long, shorter than a second. A blush crept up her neck, but she was already continuing eating, telling her friend a joke about a polar bear and a radio.


	7. Chapter 7

Katherine

That night I couldn't sleep. I could only think of John. I tried thinking of something else, I tried reading, but that stupid book had just gotten to the part where the boy wanted to have sex with his sister, so that didn't help at all. I really shouldn't think of John as my brother, I mean, he's not my brother, is he? Maybe a little. In a really platonic way. That didn't make any sense.  
I was growing tired of worrying. I decided I should enjoy my emotions, I mean, you only live once, right? Because although I couldn't sleep properly, couldn't keep my mind on anything besides him, couldn't function like a normal human being, it could not be denied that I felt fabulous. My stomach didn't feel attached to my body anymore. I throbbed down there.  
[part edited out to comply with site rules]  
I scolded myself for being such a ninny. Where was my moxy? There was nothing wrong about this. And I'd been hurting because I thought John would never feel the same way about me, and why should he, I was just a fourteen-, no, a fifteen-year-old with too many freckles and stupid hobbies. But today, when we were eating our piece of cake, like a freaking married couple, very subtle of me indeed, he had said my name.  
He'd said it like… it was perfect. It was the most perfect thing I'd ever heard. And although it's only human to worry and doubt these things, I couldn't, didn't want to doubt what it had meant.  
I smiled at my bedroom ceiling, and licked my fingers.

John

"She's visiting her mother with the baby, like wives do. She wanted me to come with her, but I can get a bit crazy writing a new book."  
Katherine had finally stopped hyperventilating, but her face was still blotchy. He wanted her to say something, but she just kept staring at her hands, twirling around a lock of her hair. She was tying little knots.  
"Maybe it's best if you left," he finally said. Every word hurt him.  
She didn't say anything.  
He started to get up, groaning when his knees protested. When did he get this old?  
"Don't."  
He wasn't sure she'd actually said it, and when he looked down she was looking up at him, her eyes blank and her lips just as still as they had been for the last ten minutes. But then she said it again: "Don't. Don't leave me John. Don't make me ask you again, or I'll start crying again and I'm so sick of crying."  
"Well, there's no use in sitting here. I'm going to get you some fresh clothes, and after that we'll decide what to do. My clothes are in the bedroom. Come on, I don't know what you like."  
She got up, slowly, like it hurt her to move. She followed him into the bedroom, not hiding her curiosity.  
"I like the furniture. It's pretty."  
"Thanks, Sarah picked it though." He smiled thinking of Sarah. Then he felt guilty. What was he doing, letting this girl, this woman into their home, their bedroom even? What did he know about her, so many years later? She could've escaped a mental home for all he knew, plotting to kill him for the things he'd done to her.  
"It has a fine texture," Katherine said, stroking the wood of the bed frame. She smiled at him, a little smile. What was wrong with him? This was no nut job he didn't know, it was Katherine. Katherine, the girl he'd loved so dearly. He still loved her, how couldn't he? She had barely changed, it was like she'd skip to kitchen and stick a picture of a My Little Pony on the cork board.  
"Let me get you a t-shirt and a pair of comfy pants."  
"I'll be in your pants," she giggled.  
"Okay, how long have you been watching us?"  
"Not long, actually, and pretty long ago. You could say I watched the most popular ones of your first year. At first, it hurt. Especially when I found out Hank got himself a new Katherine. An abundance of us, indeed. But then you two made me laugh. You reminded me of all the good times we had. It was just nice, even though mostly stalkerish, I'll admit."  
"No, it's nice, I like that you liked it."  
"I guess this is just as good a time as any to tell you. I didn't just meet you John. Well, I did, but I didn't just come here. I guess I was looking for you when I bought my ticket, even though it was not a conscious decision."


	8. Chapter 8

"What are you doing?" he asked, confused.  
He'd just woken up, and saw her sitting on the edge of his bed. He'd turned on the nightlight and grabbed his glasses because he'd felt something on the bed and feared it was Red being mischievous, but had instead found Katherine, who was rubbing her arms vigorously.  
"I didn't mean to wake you up, not really, well maybe a little, but then I got so cold my teeth actually started shattering and I thought 'well, that'll wake him up anyhow, I might as well rub myself warm'."  
"You do realize that doesn't explain why you're sitting there to begin with."  
"Ha! No, I guess not. Um, well, I need to tell you something and I could be really subtle about it and it would take forever and we'd get confused and I'd lose my moxy, so I'll just say it. I've realized that I've fallen for you and at first I sort of didn't do anything about it because I thought you didn't really like me but then that changed and these past months I hoped you'd do something about it because I'm apparently chicken when it comes to these sorts of things, also I feared I'd just misjudged you and –"  
She stopped talking when he sat up straight.  
"Oh god please say something!" The anxiety was sprawled across her face.  
"I don't know what to say."  
She didn't look cold at all anymore, every inch of her skin seemed to give off an unnatural amount of heat. He could see her conviction faltering, could see her worst fear coming true.  
"No, no, Katherine, it's not like that. Don't listen to me, I'm a dumbass, come here. Come here, and I'll show you. Because I don't know how to say it."  
He thought she'd grab him, the way she looked at him, but instead she stood up and slowly walked towards the headboard and carefully and precisely slid under the covers next to him.  
They just laid there for a bit. Finally, she spoke again: "I love you, John, that's what I wanted to tell you. I made the conscious decision to tell you, because I can't take not telling you anymore."  
"I love you too, Katherine," he answered, to his surprise. It was so much easier than he thought it would be.  
"I don't love you like a brother, John."  
"I don't love you like a sister. Or rather, way more than that. That sounded really weird."  
"We're teens, it's supposed to be weird."  
"I know."  
She sighed, "What should we do know?"  
"I don't know. It feels nice, let's just enjoy it for a bit."  
"You mean, just laying here?"  
"Um, yeah."  
She quivered.  
"Are you cold? I'm assuming no, you're making me sweat you're so warm."  
To his surprise she got out of the bed.  
"Where are you going?"  
"Nowhere, John," she smiled at him, "You're right, I'm too hot."  
Slowly she bent over and grabbed the hem of her nightgown. She pulled it over her head in one smooth motion. Then she rejoined him under the covers.  
Her smell was just as intoxicating as always. It had been caught under the nightgown, but now it was spreading under the blanket, making him fuzzy in the head. She turned over onto her belly, and let her head rest on her arm. She followed his jaw line, stroking it with a finger, then slowly caressed his mouth. Why did she have to torture him like this? I mean, it was one thing telling someone you loved them, but not even three minutes later she was completely naked and basically doing all the things he'd been fantasizing about for the last few months.  
"Katherine, I mean, I don't know, I –"  
"Shh. You're wonderful, but you wouldn't recognize happiness if it stomped you in the face. We only live once John, enjoy your life, enjoy this and us, just all of it."  
"Well, what about –"  
"You know I'm on the pill, you got it for me." She blushed at this.  
That had not been his question. But that blush, that blush that turned her skin so dark that it made her freckles disappear. That's what did it, he thought. He leaned over her and kissed her on the mouth, kissed her on the neck, breathed in her hair. She moaned, which practically made his brain melt.  
She slid her hand under his waist belt.  
[part edited out to comply with site rules]  
He couldn't control his breathing after that. It's like someone, well Katherine, had lit a fire inside of him. He pushed her down rougly, kissing her neck while sliding his hand down her stomach.


	9. Chapter 9

Katherine

He moaned, and it was like it reverberated inside of me. I couldn't take it anymore.  
"Do it, John. You're going to make me lose my mind. Please."  
[parts edited out to comply with site rules]  
He didn't need much coercion, within a heartbeat he'd pulled himself on top of me, and I'd wrapped my legs around his waist. I grabbed him and was surprised to find we fit perfectly. He looked at me, and kissed me while he came. I dug my nails into his shoulder blades.

"I have cancer, and it's going to kill me," I told him bluntly. I regretted it when I saw his face, but I couldn't have done it any other way.  
"Long story short, my insurance company found a clause that prevented them from paying, those fuckers. I ended up having to sell almost everything I owned, because there was no use in keeping things I couldn't carry." John tried to say something at this point, but I silenced him.  
"Please John, if you don't let me finish, I won't be able too. I tracked down my mother. I was afraid she might've gone back to Germany, but she lived surprisingly near. I knocked on her door, she let me in. I sat on her coach like I'm sitting here now, and I told her everything that had happened. And John, she smiled at me. She smiled," my voice cracked.  
John crossed the room and he pulled me into his arms.  
"My poor Katherine. Dear Katherine. You're so dear to me," he whispered into my ear.  
I thought I was going to cry again, but discovered there was nothing left. I was hollow.

John

"I've never felt so full of life!" she laughed.  
He smiled. He loved her more than anything in life, he loved her more than life. The last six months had been like a dream. They didn't tell anyone, but he couldn't imagine anyone could miss it. They hadn't spent a night apart, alternating between his rather narrow bed and her luxuriously large bed. Some nights, not that many, they just slept. He'd listen to her breathe, and he was sure he must be the most lucky man on earth.  
She rolled around in the grass.  
"Oh, I can't believe we'll be seeing Hank again soon!"  
This made him cringe. Hank. He hadn't thought about his brother that much at all lately. But now that he remembered why Hank had left in the first place, he felt guilty.  
They'd been fishing, John sitting on his little stool, Hank on his belly near the shore, with a fishing net. He was still wearing his ridiculous hat, and suddenly he said: "I'm scared, John."  
"What are you scared about?" John said, suddenly alert. His brother and him, they liked each other, but they weren't exactly the kind of brothers that shared.  
"I'm scared I'll hurt Katherine," Hank said. He'd turned to face John, and John could see he'd been biting his lip.  
"I'm not sure what you mean, Katherine loves you."  
"I know," Hank sighed, "I guess that's the problem. I don't know if I love her enough. If I love her like she loves me."  
Thinking back, he knew why he didn't say what he should've said. Instead, he'd replied with: "Maybe you should spend some time apart."  
Hank failed to respond for a long time, and John had hoped his brother hadn't heard him. But then Hank suddenly stood up and came to sit next to John.  
He'd said it quietly: "How?"  
And John had told him.  
He wanted to regret it now. Katherine poked him in the side and kissed him.


	10. Chapter 10

Katherine

"I shouldn't have come, I know that. But I just didn't have anyone else left to turn to."  
"I'm happy you came."  
"No, I'm making things complicated, like I always have. You're happy to see me, maybe. You're not happy I'm here."  
"I am."  
At this, I loosened myself from his hug and looked into his eyes. I was so relieved to see he was telling the truth. John couldn't tell a lie to save himself. His face had always been like a book, begging to be read. Begging to be kissed.  
"I'll put on those fresh clothes now, if that's alright. The one thing that's more uncomfortable than wearing dirty clothes, is wearing them when you're clean."  
He smiled, "Sure. I'll be downstairs. And then we'll talk."  
This is the bit I was afraid of. He knew what I really wanted to ask of him. And I feared rejection.

"Hank, I'm so happy to see you!" I laughed. I ran towards him and he caught me in a hug.  
"How was France?"  
"Très bien!" Hank responded, grinning, "Where's maman and papa?"  
"Showoff! They're at your grandmother's, they told me to say hi. I've really missed you! Let's go back to the house, and you'll tell us all about your trip."  
I should've sensed what was coming. But I was happy, I was blinded.  
I was an idiot.

Hank

He had never suspected it would feel like this. Suddenly he understood why Kathy had always looked at him so funny, why her eyes followed him around the room.  
At first, he'd been relieved to get rid of her staring at him. So full of want, so full of all sorts of things Hank couldn't reciprocate.  
And then, he'd been annoyed with her calls. It was like being across the planet didn't matter at all. He could still hear her longing from him. It drove him mad with guilt and confusion.  
Why did she need him so much? It wasn't what he'd signed up for, she was just his friend, his neighbor. But then she'd been living in his house, and she'd been there all the time.  
Then the calls lessened, and he couldn't have been more surprised by his next emotion.  
He missed her.  
Of course. When she'd finally gotten the message and backed off, that's when his body bothered with telling him he actually wanted to be around her.  
It was beyond great seeing her now, hearing her laugh. He wanted to take her hand, but felt awkward about it.  
He shouldn't worry about this so much, they had all the time in the world. Neither of them was going anywhere.

John

It was way worse than he had feared. The look in his brother's eyes, he knew that look so well. It was the one he'd catch himself giving Katherine, reflected in mirrors and windows. Oh, how did everything get to be this fucked up?  
And why did it feel like it was all his fault? It wasn't his fault Hank had been so slow realizing what he wanted.  
But he'd sent him away. Not with this happening in mind.  
At least, not the bit where Hank fell in love after all. But the bit where Katherine finally saw him, that bit, he had wanted it to happen.  
And it had. And he'd let it. He tried to feel guilty, but he was too happy to feel bad.  
It couldn't all have been a mistake.

Katherine

"Can I come in?"  
I was surprised by the voice. I'd been waiting for John.  
"Hank?"  
"Yes," he said, opening the door.  
"I wasn't expecting you," I smiled, "come on in."  
He came to sit next to me.  
What did he want, this late? They'd been sitting in the living room all night, and Hank had entertained everyone with crazy stories about French food, and culture, and girls of course. Maybe he forgot a really good part.  
Suddenly he leaned in closer. I leaned away, confused.  
Just then, when I saw the look of pain in his eyes, I understood.  
"Fuck."  
"Kathy, no," he pleaded.  
"You bastard!" I hissed, "You go away for almost a year and come back expecting me to still be the same, to still feel the same? You're too late, Hank. You stomped on my heart and it bled and now it's healed and you can't do this to me again, you can't!"  
"What's going on?" I heard John's voice. He didn't sound surprised at all. Was he in on this? Did he tell Hank to go for it?  
"Both of you, get out! GET OUT," I shrieked.


	11. Chapter 11

Hank

"Thanks for the beer."  
"Just this once, though," John replied.  
He'd been expecting a smile, but John sat down, and gazed across the room with a stern look on his face.  
Hank sighed. He should've known better. He should've handled this more smoothly.  
"Do you think I should be more subtle about it next time?" he asked John, his face in a crooked smile. Because if you can't cry about something, you might as well laugh, right?  
"Actually, no," his brother surprised him, but what followed made his jaw drop, "I think you should leave Katherine alone."  
"Leave her alone? But I love her! I can't just walk away from this, not without knowing a hundred percent sure she won't have me."  
John just stared at him. Why did _he_ looked so pained? None of this had anything to do with him.  
"Katherine loves me," he said, looking away.  
Hank stared in silence for a moment, and then let out a laugh.  
"Are you freaking kidding me, John? Kathy doesn't love you, she loves me. Anyone could see that."  
Why did his voice sound so panicky?  
"A year ago, I would've agreed," John said, still staring at his bottle of beer. His voice sounded smothered.  
And then the truth sunk in.  
He couldn't say anything. He just sat there.  
Finally, John looked up at him, the grief in his eyes plain to see.  
"I'm sorry, Hank" he said.  
"Don't apologize to me, don't pretend this wasn't what you'd planned all along," he heard himself reply, continuing, "Hank, go on a trip. It'll be good for you, Hank. Give you some perspective. I read about this special program, Hank," he mimicked John's voice.  
"Is that true?" came a voice from above.  
They both looked up, to see Kathy standing there, clutching the banister so hard it made her knuckles white.  
"John, why would you do such a thing?"  
"I don't know."  
She ran down the stairs to push John, and she kept pushing him, even though he was sitting down.  
"Don't lie to me!" she hissed, prodding him in his shoulders.  
"You know why I did it! I did it because I love you."  
"You love her?" Hank laughed, "Of course you do. Of course you fucking do. I'm through with both of you. You call yourself my brother, John? Brothers don't pull this kind of shit on each other. And you, Kathy," his voice broke saying her name, "you could've waited for me."  
That last line was obviously a mistake.  
"Wait for you? I waited for you, Hank! Even when we were just kids, and you sprayed me with your watering gun, I doted over you. You're the one who left, Hank. You left me here. Don't try to pin this on me."  
At this, she stormed off. They could hear her door slam upstairs.  
John was looking at his beer again.  
"Go away, John. Just go away."  
He left, and broke his brother's heart when he didn't go to his own room.

Katherine

"Go away, John," I sobbed.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes, please leave. It's too much. Why did you do it, John? Why did you have to do it?"  
"Because I knew how happy you would make me. And how happy I could make you."  
I hated him for saying that. I hated him for being right.  
"Well, you're not making me happy now! So go away!"  
This will be the first night we'll be spending apart. After I've calmed down, I stare at my ceiling. There's no right or wrong anymore. Everything is a big mess of bleeding hearts.  
I have never felt this confused in my life.  
Because, despite what John might think, I haven't stopped loving Hank. How could I? And yes, I do love John. I love him too. My heart has enough room for the both of them. Or so I thought, because now it's beating so fast I think it might burst.  
I'm so caught up in my big blur of emotions, also my head is stuck under my pillow, so I don't notice Hank until he's sitting on my bed.  
"Hi," I whisper.  
"Hi. I brought you a beer, I thought you might be thirsty after all that yelling."  
I surprise myself by smiling.  
"Thanks."  
I haven't had that much beer. It tasted sort of bad, but I really am thirsty. I pinch my nose and finish the bottle.  
"Hah. You're not getting mine. Mine's special."  
"Does it have marshmallows?"  
He laughs at this.  
"I did wait for you, Hank"  
"I know."  
"I'm still waiting for you, in a way."  
He just looks at me.  
After a while, he adds: "Don't say those kinds of things unless you mean them."  
And I know it's corny, but the way the moonlight hits his face, and follows the curves of his mouth… it makes my heart soar. He's precisely the Hank that left me, yet he's nothing like him. I know his face so well, yet it's like I hadn't seen it until this moment.  
This time, when he leans in, I let him.  
He cradles my face in his hands, and kisses me.  
It starts out soft, his lips brushing mine. It makes me hungry for more, but I'm too afraid to move.  
It doesn't take him long to give me what I want, though. I can feel he's hungry too, that this was supposed to happen, that this should've happened a very long time ago.  
I don't have to think about anything that happens next. It's like my clothes melt away, like I'm not even doing anything.  
I try to kiss him some more, but he's slipping down, kissing me between my breasts, kissing the ribs that have healed, kissing my bellybutton. I try to pull him up again, but he takes my hands.  
"You're making me uncomfortable."  
"Hush, I promise it'll be worth your while."  
[parts edited out to comply with site rules]  
And he wasn't lying. He's still holding my hands. I pull them from his so I can hold myself.  
This only makes it worse, or better. I moan. I don't want to, but I can't help myself. It's like I'm burning all over, especially the soles of my feet and my cheeks. I put my hands on my face and they feel ice cold. Just then, his hand slips up and he pinches one of my nipples, making me gasp.  
Ripples of pleasure travel up my spine, and it feels like my body is dissolving into his.  
He comes up and whispers in my ear.  
I push him on his back. Why did I never think of this before? It doesn't take him long to pull me back up, breathing heavily.  
He grabs my hips, and shows me what he wants. He tries to edge me on faster, but I smile and kiss him, whispering to be patient.  
"It'll be worth your while."

John

After a while, he wonders what's taking her so long. He goes back up the stairs to check on her, and isn't that surprised to find her on the bed, asleep. She's got her back to him, wearing only his t-shirt. He glances over her ass, surprised to discover it doesn't arouse him at all. It's not like that anymore. It's Katherine, just Katherine.  
He sits next to her and is about to wake her, when he changes his mind. She looks so peaceful when she's asleep. She looks just like she did the very last time he saw her sleep, over a decade ago.


	12. Chapter 12

He's surprised to find her sleeping on the couch, wearing nothing but a t-shirt. It arouses him, she didn't come to him last night.  
She must've heard him, because she wakes up.  
"Oh, hi John," she yawns, stretching herself.  
"What's with the couch surfing? Your bed broken?"  
"No, it's not that, did you know your brother snores like a maniac," she smiles. Then her smile falls from her face, so sudden it's almost comical.  
The t-shirt, the one Hank was wearing yesterday. He recognizes it because it has 'I went to France and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' written on the front.  
"I did know that," he answers stupidly, "it's why we got separate rooms when we moved."  
"Oh."  
His knees won't carry his weight anymore, he sits down on the floor.  
Katherine gets up, and walks past him.

Katherine

Because life wasn't complicated enough. I stare at the pregnancy tests.  
I mean, I forgot to take it once! Twice, maximum. I didn't think it would be such a big deal. Reading the little paper that comes with the box now, I find out it is a big deal. Especially at the beginning of a new strip.  
I try to be unhappy about it, but I can't.  
As soon as the little extra blue spot had started coloring, I ran to the apothecary and got a new test, a different one. I repeated this a few times, getting increasingly odd looks from the white coat behind the counter.  
"Little lady, want me to explain how to use them?"  
"No, I'm fine! Thanks."  
But they all told me the same thing, "You're not just late, you're growing a little you."  
I can't help but smile. I love my little me already.  
My little us. This is the part that worries me.  
Is it John's? I'd say yes, seeing how many times we did it. But the last time was with Hank.  
Oh, why did I have to be so stupid.  
How am I supposed to tell them?  
"Yeah, I'm having your baby. Or yours. Who knows?"  
I guess I should feel unhappy. But I'm really not. I don't even care that the two men I love are somewhere in this house, trying not to rip each other's throats out.  
I feel whole.  
And just like that, I know what to do.  
It pains me, but I know it's the only right thing. I can't have a baby growing up here, like this.  
I have to leave.

I wake up, to find John looking at me.  
"I'm sorry, I must've dozed off."  
"It's alright."  
I look at his face. I've always loved his eyes, the exact same brown as his hair. His hair, always so untamable.  
"You came here to talk about the baby, didn't you."  
I smile, "She's not a baby anymore."  
"Figures. So it's a girl. What did you call her?"  
I blush a this. "I named her Katherine. I was sixteen, okay! I wanted to pick a name you already loved."  
He guffaws, laughs so loud that I can't help but laughing too.  
"I'm knee-deep in Katherines! Who knew?"  
"John, will you take care of her when I'm gone? You don't have to adopt her or take her into your home or anything, just take care of the money I've saved up to pay for her boarding school. And once she's eighteen and has finished high school, she'll be good to go. I just need to know someone will help her through the next four years."  
"I will, Katherine. Don't worry, I'll take care of our daughter."  
"You don't know she's yours."  
"I don't really care, I've always thought of her as ours."  
"Let me take care of you too, Katherine."  
"I don't want you to. I'm already asking too much, I just needed to know that someone would take care of her when I was gone. I'll give you the money and leave."  
"Please, Katherine, at least let me talk to Sarah about this. Where will you go?"  
I don't know what to say to this. Back to my father, in Britain? But that would mean I'd be so far away from my baby, I wouldn't be able to say goodbye when the time came.  
"You could live with my parents? If I know them at all, they'll welcome you with open arms."  
It's tempting.

"Are you insane? You can't leave here, you can't go to Britain!"  
I've never seen the both of them so agitated.  
"Well, I can't stay either."  
"Katherine, we'll work through this."  
"Kathy, please don't leave me."  
They say it at the same time.  
"This is why I have to go. You don't understand, it's just too complicated."  
"We know it's complicated," John says, exasperated.  
"I'm pregnant, okay!" I yell.  
This shuts them up. Good.  
"What?" they ask simultaneously, which gets on my nerves. Why must they keep speaking in stereo, like they shared a womb or something.  
"I'm pregnant, I don't know which one of you is the father, it's too fucking complicated and I'm not staying here to have this weird three-way relationship with the both of you. I know I messed up, but this baby shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes. My dad isn't a bad guy, he was just too young and got scared. He wants to make it up to me, and I'm going to let him."  
"What do you mean, you don't know who the father is?" Hanks asks, looking confused.  
John doesn't say anything.  
"You _slept_ with him? When?"  
"It's none of your business!"  
"The hell it is, I thought you saved yourself for me."  
"Like you saved yourself for me? Didn't learn some interesting tricks back in France? Of course I slept with John. But if it makes you feel any better, not anymore after we did it."  
"Yeah, that helps a bunch!" Hank screams, smashing the front door closed behind him only seconds later.  
"I'll get a job. I'll get us a place to live."  
I can't believe my ears.  
"You're not stupid, John, so stop saying stupid things. You're going places, and you know it. And I don't want to be the one holding you back."  
"We could be happy. We could be ridiculously happy."  
Does he have to make it so tempting?  
"No, we couldn't, and you know it. I ruined it. I fucked you, I fucked him, I fucked myself. We could never be the same again. Even now, I can feel you slipping away. You think you love me, but I'm not that girl anymore. We'd make each other miserable."  
"I don't believe you. We won't know until we try."  
"Well, I don't want to try," I lie. You have no idea how much I want to stay, John, but I'm so through with breaking your heart.  
"I want to leave, and that's what I'm going to do. I'm packing my stuff, and tomorrow morning when your parents get back, I'm telling them some bozo at school got me pregnant, and that I want to have my kid raised by family."  
"You'll break their hearts."  
I guess I was made to hurt.


End file.
